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  • Jackson Scrungus

Youtube VS Viacom: Whoever Wins, This Site Sucks Ass Now.

Y'all remember that Youtube VS Viacom thing? It started in 2007, what I would consider the Golden Age of youtube. The video quality might have peaked at 360p, but you didn't also need seven ad-blockers just to watch the things when you actually clicked the goddamn play button.


That's okay, I still remember. Viacom, the prototypical evil monolithic soulless megacorporation, was incensed to discover that grainy clips of their content®™ was being uploaded in, at the very most, 9 minute clips, because youtube used to frown on videos being 10 minutes or more. So, they sued.


It was honestly kind of beautiful. Everyone on the site, from the most mundane vlog channels, to the most insanely offensive dadaist YTP groups, united. Every channel had a video where they expressed their intention to stand firm behind daddy Youtube. Unity on the internet. Good luck ever seeing that again.


Three years later, the courts ruled in favor of Youtube. Viacom lost, the user-base rejoiced, and Youtube's soul screamed in agony as it was ripped asunder; cast into the swirling abyss of Hell.


"That's hyperbolic and contradictory. You just said they won the lawsuit." Oh yeah, they did. This stupid little video sharing platform just showed the corporate world that even god-kings can bleed. The soulless corporate parasites took notice. If Youtube couldn't be destroyed, perhaps it could be harnessed. They did what they do best. They threw so much money at it that Youtube grabbed the butt-lube and puckered up. And here we are today.


You like to swear in your videos? Sorry, demonetized. You make animations? Hey bro, that's awesome, love your passion, also, demonetized. Oh, you made a music video to pay tribute to your favorite band, in the process exposing new listeners to the band and making them more money? Haha demonetized.


I remember when youtube used to suggest me videos that were actually relevant to me. Now, it suggests I watch videos of some rich twat buying thousand-dollar toys for his screaming entitled gremlin of a child. Why? Because those wretched videos consistently get millions of views from other children with bad parents, the advertisers don't care, and also that shit is like gold to internet pedophiles.


So thrilled Youtube won that court case. The moral of the story, children, is that if you dearly love something, the most you can ever hope for is to see it die before some septuagenarian ghoul turns it into a soulless husk so him and his pals can afford a yacht that will fit inside the pool of the yacht that they already had. In layman's terms: life sucks, and then you fucking die.


I need a drink.




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